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A level results 2013: what next?

Universities across the country are scrambling to secure the top performing A level students following today's results. This year a record number of students have been accepted by universities: as of midnight 385,910 students had been accepted, according to UCAS.

Image from northdevongazette.co.uk 

Last year universities were left with thousands of unfilled course places, mainly due to undergraduate courses now costing a wallet-meltingly high £9,000 in fees.

Which explains why they're so desperate to get high performing students. Some have even gone so far as to pay sought after graduates cash incentives. It's like studying biology is giving Oxford some kind of three year long blowjob.

Of course these kinds of bonuses are exclusively reserved for the tip-top, cream of the crop of this years floppy haired children of the future. Of course we're all proud, you got there by any means necessary. Whether it was by locking yourself in your room and studying for two straight years or dressing provocatively to your drama exam, you did it.

But what about the rest of you? Not everyone can get 3 A* grades. But don't despair, here at Wireless we've weighed up some of your options for you:

Get a menial job:
Alright, this one never sounds appealing. But in three years you should be well on your way to a management position in whatever call centre or Tesco's you end up at. You'll probably end up lending your graduate friends money while trying not sneer as you remember how they mocked your shelf stacking ways.

Take a liberal arts degree:
Sure, you know you're probably wasting three years of your life, but you're going to have a hell of a time doing it. The fact that your degree is about as valuable as a year old copy of ZOO really takes the pressure off. Besides, having to memorise things for a maths exam would really cut into your time trying to get off with that girl wearing a Joy Division t-shirt.

Go into Personal Representation:
This is a great subject to take because for the level of education it requires, it's pretty damn well paid. All you really have to do is smile and write at above the level of an otter's nipple and you're in. Everyone will hate you, but fuck them, you just bought a pint for 8 quid and you don't even care. Alternatively you could do marketing or lie outrageously on your CV.

Be rich:
Most people go to university in the hope that one day they will have a better life: meaning more money. Even philosophy students nest a small hope that one day they will be recognised for their musings on clouds. However, none of this really matters if you're already rolling in it. If you're rich you don't have to do anything, you could spend your life becoming a ninja, or get addicted to something. If people don't like it, pay them to think differently.

If you passed your A levels and found this information to be useful please get them to double check your grades as there may have been some type of mistake. Go forth younglings!


Words: Ben Gibson