Bomb Squad Defuses Sexual Tension

A woman in Florida woke up to the post and discovered she'd be sent a parcel. She hadn't ordered anything, there was no return address and what's more it was bulging in a very odd manner. Turning it over in her hands and trying to suss out what it might be, the woman was startled then terrified when it started to shake. She was immediately convinced she'd been sent a bomb and called the police.

The unnamed woman, from Jensen Beach in the state where Universal Studios is and nothing else, had been subject to an 18 month continued assault by her husband's former mistress, in which the jilted lover made threatening phone calls and sent increasingly disturbing letters. 

The situation had gotten so bad that, instead of kicking her cheating husband out the damn door on his ass and moving on with her life, maybe getting a makeover or something, the woman had a restraining order put on his ex and hoped that would be that.

So on this morning when a bulging and buzzing suspicious package turns up, she thinks her worst fears and this mad bitch's threats have finally come true and she's about to get her arms blown from porch to patio. 

The bomb squad were hastily summoned and attended the scene in full gear, clearing the woman and other occupants of the street to a safe distance while they sent in a robot to determine the nature of the device.

If bomb disposal robots were capable of sniggering, this one would have.

"It was a pink plastic adult novelty item, with some type of a plastic rabbit attached to it,” explained a spokesperson for the country sheriff's office.

So a dildo then. 

Her husband's fling was getting even by sending the forgiving wife a big pink shuddering cock with rubber ears to stimulate the clitoris. That'll show her!

Quite what the revenge was there isn't clear. Maybe she assumed that if the wife could make herself orgasm hard enough, she'd figure out she didn't really need her husband after all and the mistress might get him back. 

There's a "pipe bomb" joke to be made here, but I can't quite find it.

Words by Gazz Wood

Gazz Wood is a writer from The Northern Film School at Leeds Met University. As well as writing for Wireless he can also be heard on the monthly podcast Possibly of Interest with TV Producer Howard Cohen and special guests from the world of British TV and Cinema, plus his own weekly show Gazz Wood Has A Podcast. He can also be followed on Twitter @GazzPH90