Board up your windows, stockpile your
food and denounce your gods. A swarm of death is descending on
Britain. The apocalypse is coming, in the form of massive, fuck-off
Asian hornets, which could be flying over the Channel soon. And
they're bigger and angrier than ever before.
The Asian Hornet, whose Latin name is
Vespa
velutina nigrithorax, making them sound like a winged reincarnation
of the plague, are said to be 'highly aggressive'. Bollocks. That's
not good.
The
Department for Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) have warned the public
not to disrupt any nests which could be homing these terrifying
predators, for fear of shitting out of your eyeballs for the
remainder of your life.
Things
haven't been going too well for our native honey bee lately. This
year the number of colonies lost
increased from 16% to 34%. Things are only set to get worse for the
little critters, as these bumbling balls of rage are now heading
their way to tear them limb from limb.
With
little explanation for their decline, the only logical reason for the
disappearance of the sweet little honeybees is a mass suicide pact in
anticipation of the Asian Hornet's invasion.
Although
they feast on our native honeybee and wasps, the Asian Hornets have
tasted human blood. After being accidentally introduced to France
back in 2004, a 54-year-old man was stung to death in France's Loire
Valley last year. They are now taking shelter in garages, sheds and
under decking, waiting to stake out their next victim.
…maybe
we should follow the bee's example.
Words by Tanya Harris
