Winged Beasts of Death to Terrorise Britain

Board up your windows, stockpile your food and denounce your gods. A swarm of death is descending on Britain. The apocalypse is coming, in the form of massive, fuck-off Asian hornets, which could be flying over the Channel soon. And they're bigger and angrier than ever before.

The Asian Hornet, whose Latin name is Vespa velutina nigrithorax, making them sound like a winged reincarnation of the plague, are said to be 'highly aggressive'. Bollocks. That's not good.

The Department for Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) have warned the public not to disrupt any nests which could be homing these terrifying predators, for fear of shitting out of your eyeballs for the remainder of your life.

Things haven't been going too well for our native honey bee lately. This year the number of colonies lost increased from 16% to 34%. Things are only set to get worse for the little critters, as these bumbling balls of rage are now heading their way to tear them limb from limb.

With little explanation for their decline, the only logical reason for the disappearance of the sweet little honeybees is a mass suicide pact in anticipation of the Asian Hornet's invasion.

Although they feast on our native honeybee and wasps, the Asian Hornets have tasted human blood. After being accidentally introduced to France back in 2004, a 54-year-old man was stung to death in France's Loire Valley last year. They are now taking shelter in garages, sheds and under decking, waiting to stake out their next victim.

maybe we should follow the bee's example.

Words by Tanya Harris