Dog the Bounty Hunter, AKA Duane Chapman AKA Mulletron, held a press conference recently to announce his plans to find, capture and forcible extradite NSA Whistleblower Edward Snowden and collect the colossal bounty on his head.
Star of his own reality series, Dog usually spends his days driving round Hawaii in massive SUVs, picking up crack heads and drunks with his wife Beth. He reads them their rights, explains to them about how great Jesus is, then sends them on their way to jail. He's not what you'd call an International Mercenary as such.
Snowden is currently in Russia, meaning Dog will have to enter the country illegally in order to track down his prey. I know James Bond made it seem really easy to do that back in the 70s, but things have probably changed slightly in the meantime and a giant American with feathers in his hair riding through Moscow on a Harley Davidson with the Stars & Stripes painted on the side is possibly going to attract some attention.
“Sometimes you gotta bend the rules to save America, and if I can catch this traitor Snowden and bring him back to God’s side, then it’ll be worth the risk of a lifetime of hard labor in a Siberian gulag.”
Seems sane then. Save America. I like it. Also maybe get that $1 Billion bounty that the United States Government have put on Snowden's head? If there's time.
Edward Snowden is currently guarded by the KGB (who aren't called that anymore. It's the FSB these days) and those boys don't play around. It's gonna take more than a mouthy wife with gigantic boobs to get this done, so they're playing is sensible. Dog and Beth were seen boarding a plane to Hong Kong, where Snowden was recently holed up, in order to check his hotel rooms for evidence, and possibly try to convert some people to Christianity while they're at it.
At the conference, held outside Dog's "Da Kine Bail Bonds" office, Dog had this message for the fugitive; “Every Dog has its day, but Snowden, your days are numbered. Me and Beth are gonna catch you and bring ya to justice, the American way. If you’re listenin’ slick Eddy, the Dog’s comin’ for ya. You can run, but you can’t hide brah. The Dog has picked up your trail.”
He probably wasn't aware people were calling him 'Slick Eddy', but I bet that's the only good thing to come out of this whole debacle for him. Now maybe people will stop referring to him as Snowy.
Dog was arrested this year in Mexico for hunting bounty outside of US territory, so his track record of stealth missions isn't exactly stellar. Russian prisons have actual honest to God confessed cannibals in them. This might not be worth it Duane!
Look forward to his next series, Dog the Black Dolphin Prison Bitch, coming early 2014.
Words by Gazz Wood
Gazz Wood is a writer from The Northern Film School at Leeds Met University. As well as writing for Wireless he can also be heard on the monthly podcast Possibly of Interest with TV Producer Howard Cohen and special guests from the world of British TV and Cinema, plus his own weekly show Gazz Wood Has A Podcast. He can also be followed on Twitter @GazzPH90
