Is That A Weapon In Your Pocket Sir?

Air travel has gotten more and more inconvenient ever since 9/11, and the security checks that Americans are subjected to are beginning to border on comedy. The pat downs, the full body scanner, the x-ray machine that shows three giggling teenage girls what your balls look like... it's quite stressful. 

So if you're stopped by the TSA (transportation security administration) because they suspect you have a concealed bat in your jeans, but it's actually your enormous dick, you should really be counting that in the win column.

The Guinness World Record Holder for the Largest Dong is a man named Jonah Falcon, whose piece measures in at 9"... unarmed. If you get the beast angry it Pacific Rims up to 13 1/2 inches, at which point you make a mental note to order an inflatable ring pillow as soon as you can because this is about to be an ordeal.

This is John

Falcon, whose name is ace, was in California airport getting checked in for a flight when he was approached by a TSA agent who asked him if his pockets were empty. He said "Yes" and presumably waiting for the follow up question of "Are you pleased to see me?" but it never came, because he was then asked if he had some sort of "growth".

Not right then, apparently; "I had my 'stuff' strapped to the left. I wasn't erect at the time," said Falcon. He was lead through a metal detector, which detected nothing because it wasn't made for wood, and then through the x-ray machine. 

The security felt "threatened" by his "very noticeable" bulge, which is only natural really, and so he was forced to consent to a pat down. The idea of 'forced consent' doesn't sound ridiculous to Americans by the way. The guy patted all around his jeans, but not actually on the offending item, and they even dashed some special powder on him to check for biological threats. Eventually he just had to come out with it. Not... literally. 

"I said 'It's my dick'..." which I might've lead with myself, if you get my meaning, but Jonah Falcon has been living with the world's largest wang since he was a teenager, and he's probably sick of it.

Ultimately he was let through and got on the place and didn't set his cock off in the air or anything. He's now reasoned to wear shorts when flying, because a stick of dynamite doesn't usually have a bell-end on it. Not in any Wile E. Coyote cartoons I ever saw anyway.

Words by Gazz Wood

Gazz Wood is a writer from The Northern Film School at Leeds Met University. As well as writing for Wireless he can also be heard on the monthly podcast Possibly of Interest with TV Producer Howard Cohen and special guests from the world of British TV and Cinema, plus his own weekly show Gazz Wood Has A Podcast. He can also be followed on Twitter @GazzPH90