The era of the terrible film that everyone inexplicably loves is here! Right the way back from Piranha 3D to the furor surrounding SyFy's release of Sharknado, a film that took the internet by storm for a good solid 8 days, it seems that zombies are out and enormous creatures are back in again! Thank God for that!
A lot of these bad movies are just plain bad, like Vinnie Jones vehicle "Legend of the Bog" which is just him and some other people sludging around the woods in the dark for an hour and a half looking for any excuse to fit the word "Bog" into their sentences.
If you want the best of the bad, you go to The Asylum. They're an entire production company centred around the doing one of two things; 1) Movies where two giant versions of animals fight one another, and 2) Complete rip offs of currently popular movies.
Their latest release in that second category is called Atlantic Rim, but they've also put out classics like Transmorphers, The Bell Which Haunting and "Fast & Furious" clone "200 MPH", a movie in which no one ever goes 200 MPH.
These are just the money spinners though; those movies you make to get some cash in to afford the real passion projects. The Giant Creature Features! Take two creatures that already exist, preferably aquatic, and then prefix them with an augmentative word like GIANT or MEGA or SUPER or ULTRA. Also sometimes Dino is acceptable, as you'll find. You can also just ram two beasts together as a monstrous gestalt like Sharktopus.
The Creature Meets Natural Disaster sub-genre is relatively new, but I see Bearricane and Tsunamoth in our future.
Always the best, always the worst, here's my Top Six Best Bad Movies;
This might be the first bad movie I watched on purpose, and it's the absolute example of what we're talking about here. Thousands of years ago a Megaladon (prehistoric shark) and a giant octopus were locked in battle, when the ice age hit and they were frozen. Now they're free and looking to carry on the fight at the expense of a ton of CGI boats and planes. Starring Debbie Gibson (yes... that one) as a rogue Oceanographer, Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus pays out on the promise of the premise and features two big fuck off things knocking the shit out of each other. Click the titles of these movies by the way if you want to see the trailers.
5) Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus Yes, he's back! The Mega Shark returns in this sequel (the first one is Asylum's most profitable and popular movie) having survived his final fight with the Giant Octopus (SPOILERS!), this ancient dead-eyed killing machine now has major beef with an enormous crocodile. Seemingly over who can cause the most destruction. Starring absolutely no one from the original, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus does have Robert Picardo, Jaleel White (TV's Urkel and the voice of Sonic the Hedgehog) and also a lot of men dressed in Naval uniforms hurling themselves around the set.
Moving from the big cities to the American Everglades now, we discover first a group of animal rights activists, lead by Debbie Gibson (she couldn't stay away!) release a swathe of exotic pythons into the wild. They go out of control (and for some reason get massive) and start to exterminate the local gator population. To stem the tide of extinction, local park ranger Tiffany (yes... that one) fills some chickens to the brim with steroids and purposely feeds them to the crocs. Cut to months later and the two species are at full on war. Obviously that won't stop Tiffany from hosting a fundraiser and inviting former Monkee, Mickey Dolenz, to be the guest of honour.
3) Ballistica
This is the only movie on the list not to feature a giant monster of any kind, unless you consider the monster talent of martial artists and stuntman Paul Logan of course! He plays Damian, the American Government's best and most dangerous weapon. Trained in the art of Ballistica; a sort of mixture of martial arts and shooting things that might remind you of Christian Bale movie Equilibrium, Damian must protect the beautiful (and shit) scientist Dr Alexa Danner so she can disarm a bomb only she can disarm. There's ton of what I think were meant to be slow-motion fight scenes, but they couldn't afford the tech so just had everyone move slowly instead. It's bloody terribrill.
This is the only movie on the list not to feature a giant monster of any kind, unless you consider the monster talent of martial artists and stuntman Paul Logan of course! He plays Damian, the American Government's best and most dangerous weapon. Trained in the art of Ballistica; a sort of mixture of martial arts and shooting things that might remind you of Christian Bale movie Equilibrium, Damian must protect the beautiful (and shit) scientist Dr Alexa Danner so she can disarm a bomb only she can disarm. There's ton of what I think were meant to be slow-motion fight scenes, but they couldn't afford the tech so just had everyone move slowly instead. It's bloody terribrill.
This fish is so big there wasn't even enough room to include a second monster. A US Ambassador is assassinated under mysterious circumstances, but it wasn't an explosion, and it wasn't terrorists... it was giant piranha! Paul Logan and Tiffany are sent to sort the whole mess out, discovering that genetically modified piranha (stupid government!) have managed to escape into the wild thanks to human interference in the environment (stupid humans!) and are now on a rampage. Apart from enormous man eating fish, Mega Pirahna also features a chase scene where both participants seemingly change vehicle several times throughout. It's a mess and I love it.
1) Sharktopus Ah yes, the Daddy of them all. SHARKTOPUS! A genetically engineers half shark, half octopus is on the loose, free from its mind control headset and apparently very bloody annoyed at anyone who goes on or near the beach. Sharktopus is bigger or smaller depending on what needs to happen, so at one point he's the size of a normal shark, then later he's taller than a seaside restaurant building. Plus he can walk on land with his tentacles! Starring Eric Roberts (Julia's brother) as unscrupulous scientist Dr Nathan Strands, creator of Sharktopus, and MTA (model turned actress) Sara Malakul Lane as his sexy daughter.
Sharktopus is so popular that it's getting a sequel later this year which has giant gestalt monsters fighting one another; the epitome of bad movie greatness. Sharktopus vs Pteracuda (half pterodactyl, half barracuda) sees the return of the eight legged razor toothed sea menace as he must fight for supremacy with a big shock off fish with wings!
I cannot wait. DAMN YOU SHARKTOPUS!
Words by Gazz Wood
Gazz Wood is a writer from The Northern Film School at Leeds Met University. As well as writing for Wireless he can also be heard on the monthly podcast Possibly of Interest with TV Producer Howard Cohen and special guests from the world of British TV and Cinema, plus his own weekly show Gazz Wood Has A Podcast. He can also be followed on Twitter @GazzPH90
