New Pants Filter Out Farts

We've all been there. You've had a big dinner, or a few ales, or maybe you just need to shit but for some reason can't and now you're guffing up a storm and there's only so much you can blame on the dog or dying relative.

Farts are the modern day plague in our otherwise entirely tranquil lives. They're not your fault, unless you're doing them on purpose to be funny or set on fire, but when you let one go chances are there's gonna be some stern looks pointed your way. Whether they be Loud & Proud or the much feared SBD, parps are the bane of lifts, stationary cupboards, small offices and when standing next to a girl.

In order to stem the tide of this menace, the ordinarily useless Leicester has been working tirelessly (between making Walkers Crisps and Custard Cremes) to invent a pair of fart-filtering underpants for the man or woman on the go.

Health Care company Shreddies Ltd is about to take your arse by storm with their new creation; a range of high-tec grundies that can actually catch and neutralize your emissions before there's ever the chance of an accidental Polish Hand Grenade.

The crackers are made from cotton containing Zorflex, a space-age sounding carbon material that's more commonly found in Chemical Warfare protection suits rather then the bottom of your wash basket, and they are capable of rendering stinks of up to 200 times that of a normal far completely harmless.

The proper application of these miracle gruds is medical; designed as they were for sufferers of Crohn's Disease, IBS or just flat out lactose intolerance, but if you're sharing a bed with someone who sounds like they've got a 12 piece brass band in their kecks and smells like the band have all shit themselves, then the Shreddies could well be a wise investment for Christmas.

A spokesman for Shreddies Ltd, which by the way is least seriously named health care company on the planet, said "We have found the answer to help alleviate the most obvious symptom of flatulence... the odors."

All they have to do now is build a pair of Shreddies with a silencer in the back, and we're all set.

Words by Gazz Wood

Gazz Wood has two podcasts! One is called Possibly of Interest and is co-hosted by TV producer Howard Cohen (Impractical Jokers, My Transsexual Summer) and guests from the British comedy world. The other is just Gazz talking to people like Misfits director Nirpal Bhogal, sex and relationships expert Annabelle Knight and a professional bartender called Jimmy. It's called Gazz Wood Has A Podcast and it's great.