US Marines Ban Masturbation

Getting the bad news

America is currently struggling with the lock down and a severe restriction of services across the country. But this latest cut back is perhaps a step too far. US Marines in Camp Leatherneck Afghanistan have been ordered to stop jacking off.

As anyone who has ever spent a prolonged period of time away from home may know; jacking off is essential for a productive daily routine. It focuses the mind and allows time to consider the day’s tasks ahead. Without access to a good supply of HBO box sets there is really nothing else that can be done to keep a person in good mental health.

And here is the official notice to prove it:

The notice threatens anyone in violation of this (That would be anyone caught having a wank) rule with legal action, specifically under Article 92 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Dubbed the "catch-all" by Marines, Article 92 allows the military to prosecute its troops for "failure to obey an order or regulation."

This is adding insult to injury after the Marine Corps previously banned all use of social media in 2009. A move they defended insisting that the new facebook ‘check in’ feature compromised operational strategic surprise. 

In a shocking twist on this story the Taliban have reportedly been sending the US Marines pornographic magazines to make the situation worse and cause more friction. Apparently they are the really good Playboys from the mid 1990’s that you used to find hidden in your dad's Gym bag. It’s OK though because he was just minding them for his mate Brian.

Source Business Insider