The Chopstick Mugger

For the most part getting mugged is a terrible experience. Some youth approaches you in the dark, with a spiteful face and a hood up to avoid the glare of CCTV, and he demands your stuff. Maybe he pulls a knife on you, maybe there’s three of them, maybe they all pull knives. Maybe two pull knives and one has a screwdriver or something. I dunno. It’s awful.

However it happens, ultimately they’ve got away with your phone and your money in the easiest way possible and now you feel bereft and angry. Unless you’re lucky enough to be mugged by the man known only as Wang.

Wang is a Chinese man, living in Zhengzhou, who has turned to petty crime to feed his family. Only when you get robbed by Wang you don’t feel bereft. You don’t feel angry. You feel a bit impressed, because Wang wields nothing more harmful than chopsticks, and instead of threatening to shove them in your eyes, he uses them to deftly and stealthily pick your phone right out of your pocket.

Wang was recently caught on camera using his chopsticks to relieve a woman of her iPhone, even though she was moving. On her bike. She didn’t even notice! She pedalled past him, he whipped her phone away using STICKS and she just carried on going. This dude should not be wasting his time snatching iPhones. He needs to be pulling flies out of the air or joining some sort of Ocean’s 11 type heist crew or working in one of those restaurants where you sit at the griddle and they flip the food all about the place. Something!

Wang handed himself in to police after seeing his face plastered all over the internet thanks to his mad skills, so he’s not just a bloody ace thief but he’s also clever enough to know when he’s caught. Good on you Mr Wang. You’re a damn sight better than getting stomped in an alley way by a eight 12 year olds.

Words by Gazz Wood

Here's one of Wang's apprentices in action. Beware of strangers walking round with a pot of noodles. Especially those cheap prawn or beef flavours, that's obviously a cover for crime.