Like many people, I have a real e-mail address and a junk e-mail address. The real one is for business correspondance, Amazon order confirmations and my phone bill. The junk address (hotmail, of course) is for when a website requires that I sign up or enter a valid e-mail before allowing me to continue. 4od has my junk address, as does Cadburys from when I won that Crispello last month.
Since I use the junk address to indistriminately sign up for things, I receive an inordinate amount of spam. Phishing e-mails, scammers and a number of tragedy striken members of the royal family of Nigeria get hold of me on a daily basis trying to trick me into handing over quick cash. I usually just delete these e-mails, but the other day I received one from Ban Ki Moon, Secretary General of the United Nations!
It was titled “The Truth About Your Fund” and began with the words “Dear Victim…” so obviously I was in.
This is to intimate you of a very important information which will be of a great help to redeem you from all the difficulties you have been experiencing in getting your long over due payment due to excessive demand for money from you by both corrupt Bank officials and Courier Companies after which your fund remain unpaid to you.
I am Ban Ki Moon Director of international affairs in the United Nation (UN). It may interest you to know that reports have reached our office by so many correspondences on the uneasy way which people like you are treated by Various Banks and Courier Companies Diplomat(s) across Europe to Africa and Asia London UK, and we have decided to put a STOP to that and that is why I was appointed to handle your transaction here in Malaysia.
After the meeting on 3rd of January, 2013. an official agreement was reached on Tuesday 8th of January, 2013, between the Board of Trustees and Glasfrew Security Company which took an immediate effects for the Security Company to issue all the Award Winners a Certified International Master Card worth Ten Million Five Thousands United States Dollars (USD 10,500,000.00)
You are hereby advice to provide your information as stated below:
Full Name: …Address:. …Telephone:….Occupation:…….Age :……….
Name: Ban Ki Moon
Email: bankimoon577@gmail.com”
You might be surprised that the name Ban Ki Moon was so popular that 576 people got to G-Mail before he could, but I suspect that’s just a random number used to throw the press and such off his personal address.
Obviously I want that $10.5 million I’m owed from corrupt banking officials, so I got back to Mr Moon right away!
“Hello Mr Moon,
I am honoured to have received your e-mail correspondence on internet and that you would take your time to investigate my troubles personally. I know that you must be busy, running the United Nations, so I thank you for that.
I am very pleased to have my money finally from this corruption, so I furnish to you the information for which that you have asked for.
Name: REDACTED
Age: 42
Nationality: England
Occupation: Men
Age: 42
Nationality: England
Occupation: Men
Unfortunately I do not have a telephone due to my lack of money from the troubles with banks across Africa and Europe. I am available on e-mail at all times.
Thanks you”
I’m not entirely convinced this is the real Ban Ki Moon, and until I can trust him a little more I chose to use a false name, which I’ve removed from the posts here because I used the name of one of my friends for a laugh.
Ban Ki Moon got back to me in pretty short order. Unfortunately it seems he’s a little confused…
“You are to come down here to pick it up. If you are ready to bear the cost. It will cost you only $350 for dispatch for your ATM CARD.”
So I have to pay him $350 to send a card that I’m picking up? I think Head of the UN Ban Ki Moon is trying to grease his own palms on this deal. I need my fears alleviated before I can continue…
“Honourable Mr Moon,
I thank you very much for your quick speedy and fast reply to my issues, and thank you also for meeting with the Government of Malaysia. I know that can’t have been much fun for you.
I’m delighted to know that my ATM card is ready to pick up, but I am confused. You say I must pay for the dispatch of the card, but if I am to pick it up then it doesn’t need to be dispatched? If the $350 fee is for administration or other such costs, then I am happy to pay for the balance of $10.5 million can easily cover such a paltry amount, but could you clarify the problem for me?
Do I pick it up, or will it be dispatched?
If I am to pick it up, where should I go and when?
Thanks you”
He replied right away! I’d have thought Bank Ki Moon would have more important things to do than deal with quibbles from me, but he’s devoting a lot of attention to this issue.
“Due to your question i want you to know that your ATM CARD is ready if you can come and claim it that will be great sir. The $350 is for dispatch fee. You are strongly advise to treat matter as urgent. Once again if we are to use the delivery service is costing you $340 duration of 3 working days.”
So wait… it’s $350 dispatch fee if I go and pick it up, but only $340 if I get it delivered? I mean sure, I have to wait 3 working days but $10 is $10. It’s also £6.05. I may be about to collect $10.5 million, but you have to look after the pennies. Or cents.
“Hello Mr Moon,
I am very happy myself that you are offering so much of your time to my issues and questions. You must be very busy with international conflicts and such, so I thank you again for your personal interest.
I am very happy myself that you are offering so much of your time to my issues and questions. You must be very busy with international conflicts and such, so I thank you again for your personal interest.
$350 seems a bit unreasonable if I’m to come and pick this card up myself, especially if the delivery is $10 cheaper. Is it possible to get a discount on carry out ATM cards, since I’m doing the leg work? How about $200 and I’ll come right away?
Look forward to your reply.”
You might not know much about this guy, but he’s described on his Wikipedia page as a “stand up guy” and having dealt with Secretary General of the UN Ban Ki Moon via e-mail today I have to say that I agree.
I was concerned about the high cost of dispatch and delivery of my ATM card carrying $10.5 million, but Mr Moon has laid those fears to rest.
“I have talk to the deliver agent we can send your fund to you if you send half payment when they get to your resident you balance all HOPE THAT IS OK BY YOU send me email to this.”
Sure, I’ll still wind up paying the full $340, but at least he’s provided payment options. Since he’s been so cool about all this, I’m inclined to pay the full $350 and go and pick the card up myself. Hopefully I’ll run into Mr Moon and be able to personally thank him.
“Dear Mr Moon,
That is excellent news! You are approaching this with all the logic and Confucian tact for which you are famous, and I am delighted to see that your reputation is well earned. You are indeed a stand up guy.
As such, I feel it is my duty to pay you the full amount of $350 and come to pick up my ATM card personally as you had originally asked. I’m sorry I quibbled about the money back five minutes ago. I realise you are working in my best interest to make me very rich and I should give you the trust you deserve.
Where shall I come to pick up my card? Will you be present yourself Mr Moon? I feel like I owe you a great debt, and would like to take you out for a latte or something.
Thanks”
Things were going well between me and Mr Moon, but then … Oh no. There must’ve been some international incident or issue at the United Nations, as Ban Ki Moon suddenly lost patience with me.
“if you need your money let me know i think you dont need your ATM card.”
I don’t understand. I said I’d pay him all the money he asked for. I said I’d buy him a milky coffee. What went wrong between us Ban Ki? How did we end up like this?
I’d better smooth things over, or risk losing his support entirely.
“Mr Moon,
I absolutely need the money, and I am happy to pay the full $350 dollars.
I just need to know how? and where to go?
Do not lose faith in my Mr Moon. I will not lose faith in you. I will pay even $700, DOUBLE what you ask, to secure my ATM card!
Where must I go? What must I do?!
Luckily my sweet words were able to coax Mr Moon back from the brink, and we were once again on the same page.
“I have tell you what to do. If you make payment and i promise i will send your package to you. IF you wish to come that still ok by me i will give you the address where to come do have a nice day”
That might seem a bit short, and maybe you even think he’s still angry with me, but look again… he says Have a Nice Day! Why would he say that if he was annoyed with me? He wouldn’t. That’s how.
“That is fine and great news to me! Thank you Mr Moon. Or may I call you Ban Ki?
I would like to come down if that is OK with you. Maybe we can get that latte. Should I bring the money with me in cash or will a cheque be better for you?
Looking forward to receiving my millions. The first thing I’ll buy, after your latte of course, is a Playstation 4.
Thank you again”
However I think our earlier disagreement has soured the relationship between myself and Ban Ki Moon, because he’s changed his mind about meeting me for a coffee.
“i will like you to go and pay d money so i can send you d ATM Card to your door.”
He’s all business, that Ban Ki Moon, which is something else it says on his Wikipedia page. They call him The Beauracrat around the offices of the UN, so I suppose I shouldn’t be all that surprised.
I am a little hurt though.
“Oh… I see.
Well I understand I suppose. You’ve got a lot to do at the UN I bet. That’s cool.
It’s a shame not to be able to shake your hand for all that you have done for me, but I see that this is how it must be.
No problem. I will pay as soon as I can. How shall I give you the money? You have not yet told me?”
Still, mustn’t dwell. I’m about to become a bloody millionaire!
And he gets right down to it when you stop messing him about, this Ban Ki Moon. That’s why he took over from Kofi Annan. He’s no nonsense, although his name SOUNDS like nonsense.
“Send the money via western union money transfer to my cashier with the follow detail below.
Receiver’s Name… Ana Larasati
Country… Malaysia
City…. Kuala Lumpur
Amount $350us dollars.
Mtcn….
Sender…
Country… Malaysia
City…. Kuala Lumpur
Amount $350us dollars.
Mtcn….
Sender…
Treat matter as urgent the delivery company will be waiting to hear from me i need your quick response.
Attach copy of my working id card.
Regards
Mr Ban Ki Moon”
Regards
Mr Ban Ki Moon”
Except… Oh no! In his haste to make me rich, Mr Moon has forgotten to actually attach a copy of his working id card. Or his working Super Ego card.
“Mr Moon,
I’ll get right on this! There’s a Western Union shop not fart from here and I think if I hurry they will still be open.
While I’ve got you, you seem to forgotten to attach your id card. Would you be able to attach it please? I’d like to have it as a keepsake, for a Memories Scrap book which I have begun to compile.
Thanks”
We’re barrelling through this transaction now! The e-mails are flying back and forth and we’re about to get this shit locked DOWN!
“Do get back to me with the 10digit number giving to you by the western union out-let
I look forward to hear from you.”
Better get my arse to the Western Union Out-let.
But wait… things have gone suddenly awry for me,
“Mr Moon,
When I arrived at the out-let they would not serve me. The man was very rude and called me a name (prick-target) and even though I gave him your name he would not believe me. The outlet will be closing soon due to Sunday trading laws.
Would you be able to forward to me a copy of your id card, so I can show it to the people in the out-let so they will believe I am sending money to you?
Please hurry!”
But then nothing back from Mr Moon. Nothing back for the longest time. To be fair, by that point it was damn near 2am in Malaysia, so he might have gone to bed. These diplomats aren’t machines after all. They need rest.
Then it became clear what he’d been doing. Rather than returning home to his wife Yoo Soon-Taek, daughters Seon-yong and Hyun-lee, and son Woo-hyun he has stayed at the office late once again scan and e-mail me his Official United Nations ID Card!
There it is! Proof positive, if any where even needed, that I am dealing with the actual and real Ban Ki Moon, Secretary General of the United Nations and also Director of Payment Department at the United Nations Compensation Office!
Wowsers trousers. He’s a handsome devil as well isn’t he? I can see now why Yoo Soon-Taek puts up with the long hours in the office.
It was getting late for me too, and although I felt bad for leaving Ban Ki Moon hanging all night long, what was I to do? I got his definitely official UN id card too late, and Western Union was closed. I could only hope he’d understand.
“Dear Mr Moon
Thank you for your patience.
I did not receive your official UN id card in time, and so the out-let closed before I could transfer the money. Fortunately I was able to go there early this morning. The same agent was working, and he called me a rude name (piss-legs) but I did as you suggested and did not let him tell me what to do.
Who does he think he is? Ban Ki Moon or something? No! You are the one and only Ban Ki Moon and I told him so. That was enough to make him more agreeable and I paid the money you requested to the account you requested as requested.
The agent, who’s name was Terry, gave me this Western Union reference number – 9871282082.
He was giggling when he did it though, so I hope it’s OK.
Once you receive my $350, will my ATM card come in the post right away? Is it possible for you to send me a picture of the ATM card, so I know what to look for?”
Did he understand? No. He did not.
“Attention Attention Attention
I was with the delivery men all day today waiting to hear from you with the payment, I did get a message from you note that Ana was at the western union office there was no money please check the number and send to me. Better send me the scan copy of the slip.”
I was with the delivery men all day today waiting to hear from you with the payment, I did get a message from you note that Ana was at the western union office there was no money please check the number and send to me. Better send me the scan copy of the slip.”
Seems like Ana at Western Union Malaysia is way more on the ball than Terry at Western Union London. She was able to check the number I gave within minutes, whereas Terry has fucked this right up.
“Woah woah woah!
I don’t know what can have happened!
It is lucky for you that you have Ana as your agents within Western Union. She sounds professional and reliable. Terry, on the other hand, is being a nightmare.
He assures me that the $350 has been paid to Ana as requested on your request, but he is refusing to offer me a receipt or slip. I don’t know what the procedure is in Malaysia, but here customers must pay a fee for copies of their slips, and unfortunately I do not have the money ready to pay.
I must confess I am not wealthy (yet) and that I have set to you my last $350.
It is with great humility that I must call on your aid. Terry has agreed that, since you are the Secretary General of the UN, he will accept the fee through Western Union transfer. May I ask that you wire the amount of the fee, which is $2.50, to Western Union London under the name of Peter Slugman (my colleague).
As soon as Terry has received the $2.50 he will scan the receipt for me and I can e-mail it to you for confirmation.
Also is it possible to send me a picture or photograph or scan or drawing of the ATM card you will send me? I require it for my records.
Thank you very muchly”
He really doesn’t seem keen on sending me a picture of this ATM card I’ve been promised. I just want to get a look at it. For my scrap book. It’s not like it’s gonna cost him anything to send me that picture. However for man who earns $227,000 a year, Ban Ki Moon is being surprisingly tight.
“no money please check the number and send to me. Better send me the scan copy of the slip.”
He can’t understand the gravity of this situation. I’m out $350 and being held over a barrel by some jobsworth Western Union agent. I need to explain myself better. Appeal to his sense of justice!
“Please understand Mr Moon, Terry will NOT give me a copy of the slip without payment of this fee.
I have spoken to his manager, a man named Gilbert, who tells me the same. They want $2.50 for the copy of the slip and then I can send it you. Gilbert and Terry refuse to investigate my missing $350, which I have sent to you this morning to Ana, until they have the fee.
They also ask for a scan copy of the ATM card to prove I am not lying to them.
Please help me Ban Ki Moon. You’re my only hope.”
The more this goes on the more I’m starting to feel a bit chastised by Ban Ki Moon. He won’t send me a picture of my ATM card, which is MINE remember! He’s just hanging on to it for me for now. He’s being very curt with me in his replies, but then I received this…
“mr man i dont see any money in d code you give to me if dont want to pay any money please dont worry me again are you ok”
He’s worried about me, he’s asking if I’m OK, but he’s doing it like he’s my Mum or something. He’s not my Mum. He’s Secretary General of the United Nations, and also head of the Compensation Department, apparently.
“I appreciate your concern Mr Moon. I am OK thank you.
I didn’t mean to worry you.
This ordeal with Terry and his boss Gilbert has been very stressful. I know it will be worth it when I receive the ATM card for $10.5 million for my compensation, but it’s a difficult journey. I know nothing is for free, and so I will bare this burden as best I can.
I assure you Mr Moon that I have deposited $350 to Ana Larasati as you asked. I paid the amount in pounds and had it xchanged for dollars. The amount I paid was £298.35. I paid it in cash.
The Western Union refence is all they gave me. That is 9871282082. Please, the money is there! I have paid it.
Gilbert at the Wester Union says I must provide him with a picture of the ATM card, and he might wave the fee. Please, if you can send to me a picture or scan of the ATM card, I will not need any money from you. I’m sure I can convince him. I’ve got very nice legs.
Thanks you for patience!”
This appears to have been the final straw for the great and powerful Ban Ki Moon, because his reply does not contain assurance or pleasantry or even a rough sketch of my United Nations ATM card. It contains merely venom and peevishness.
“you are a fool please dont send me dis kind tin again in your life.”
A fool am I Mr Moon? A FOOL?!
I’ll show you! Think you’re better than me just because you attended the African Union Summit in 2007? You accomplished nothing in Addis Ababa that day Ban Ki, and I won’t be talked down to by the likes of you!
“Mr Moon No!
I am not a fool. I think that you have taken my $350 and you are lying to me. You owe me $10.5 million which I deserve for my compensation! You have my money and you have taken it for yourself and Ana Larasati! I believe you will split this money 50/50 and take your $175 each to live like Kings in Malaysia!
Terry agrees with me. Gilbert is ambivalent.
I would like my $350 back and I also want my $10.5 million dollar which I am owed!”
That’ll fucking show him!
And it did. It showed him that I am an emotional and passionate man who is prone to bouts of extreme drama. He didn’t reply for hours. I suspect he has lost all respect for me and probably feels like I don’t even warrant the $10.5 million compensation anymore. Once again I’ve disappointed Ban Ki Moon, and once again I must return to him with my hat in hand and beg for his forgiveness.
I was pretty upset with him calling me a fool, and I flew off the handle like Marty McFly when someone says he’s chicken. I need to apologise. More than that, I need to sort this Western Union issue out and prove to Ban Ki Moon that I’ve paid him his $350!
“Dear Mr Moon,
I am very sorry.
I didn’t mean to argue with you or be disrespectful. I have had some trouble with Western Union, and I let it get to me. I apologise so much. I should respect you. After all, you stood up to the Iranian government in 2012 regarding their denial of the holocaust. I’m just a simple Professor of Men Studies, studying Men and Men-related passtimes. There was no reason to get cross with you. I shouldn’t be howling at Ban Ki Moon.
Please, do not leave me hanging bro.
I have returned to the Western Union when Terry went on his lunch, and the woman who took over from him was very helpful. Her name is Panchetta and she has given me a new reference number and a copy of my slip. I have attached it here…
It shows that my money was sent to you and Ana Larasati like you asked. Please Ban Ki, you mean the world… you mean the Moon to me! I really need this money you promise from my compensation.
Here is my western union slip copy like you ask
Thank you“
Oh yes! Give Ban Ki Moon what he wants!
Pay to Ana Larasati of Malaysia the amount of $350, paid in US Dollars and everything, from REDACTED of Hardcoremen Road in Ashby de la Zuch. Surely now we can put this ugliness behind us and get back to the matter at hand?
“western union say day is know money there so why are you lie for me dat you pay money please go and check your self dont worry me again.”
It’s pretty clear to me that he’s not happy. He’s on the phone to the Western Union all say day and there is know money! Why would I lie?
Chillingly he also warns me that I should check myself, possibly before I find that I have wrecked myself.
“Mr Moon,
I promise you the money has been paid. There is the Western Union slip as proof! I’m sorry my 5′s look like a 2 that someone has turned upside down, but my handwriting isn’t great and I was in a bit of a hurry.
The $350 was paid to Ana and I have given you the transfer slip scan as requested. Please go back to your western union and check again because they have that money.
I was worried you might not believe me, so here is a picture I took of Terry at Western Union filling out my reference slip.
Terry is black, which I bet you hadn’t guessed.
Yours Truly”
Oh ho! That got his attention! My cheeky picture of Terry the Western Union agent must’ve piqued his interest in my case once again, because now Ban Ki Moon is being very forward indeed…
“ok can you give me your call number i want to call you now on phone.”
Call me on the phone you say? I did tell him at the start that I didn’t have a phone, but that was ages ago. Yesterday. How can a man in his position be expected to remember something like that?
Never mind. We’re living in Space Year 2013 here, not Bob Hoskins “good to talk” backwards ass 1994. We’re already communicating via the miracle of internet. Perhaps we can take this to the next level…
“Mr Moon,
I am sorry, but I do not have a mobile phone. I cannot afford to keep one, which is why I am so keen to receive the $10.5 million fund.
Does the UN have Skype? I am available to Skype. Skype is free, and it offers Pay As You Go with Skype Credit or a monthly subscription of minutes to save even more.
My Skype name is the same as my e-mail address.”
Apparently Ban Ki Moon prefers Google Voice.
“please in your life dont write me again.
if you pay any money go and take it back.”
Well it’s not as simple as that Mr Moon. I’ve already had three arguments with Terry, one with his boss Gilbert and then I went down there again today where I dealt with the frankly delightful Panchetta.
If I walk through the door of Western Union one more time I feel like the authorities are going to get involved. I can’t possibly get my money back now, and why would I?
“But Mr Moon I don’t understand! The money is for you. Don’t you want it anymore?”
He doesn’t need it! He’s a wealthy man! That money is for the dispatch of my ATM card, and it’s right there waiting for him. Unfortunately it seems Mr Moon has slipped out of his professional diplomat suit and tie and into his admonishing disappointed mother apron and slippers…
“you useing me to play right mr man go and sleep”
Sleep?! How can I possibly sleep when there’s $10.5 million just SITTING THERE on an ATM card which is just SITTING THERE in the delivery office!
“Mr Moon,
Why would I play with you? I’ve complied with everything you asked me to do.
I paid Ana $350 through Western Union, I gave you the reference number and the scan of the slip. I paid the $2.50 fee for the slip myself even though I can barely afford it.
I’ve done everything you wanted Mr Moon, and asked almost nothing in return except the $10.5 million dollars you promised me. Other people may come to you only for handouts. They may ask for the impossible of you. Some people want Ban Ki Moon on a stick. But not me!
You came to me sir.”
I’m trying to be cool about this, but he’s just being difficult now.
“Mr man please dont worry me again you do not send any money to me have a nice day”
He’s had it all. All the info and slips and pictures of a random guy’s hand that he could want and STILL it’s not enough for Ban Ki Moon (who this definitely is obviously).
“I was having a nice day Mr Moon. I was having a nice day, but then our deal went to pot and now I am confused and terrified.
You have the reference slip. The number is on it very clearly. Reference 8812332010, paid in US dollars at Western Union. It’s stamped and dated and has my name and address.
REDACTED, Hardcoremen Road, Ashby dela Zuch (London, Wales, England)
What more do you need from me?
But I would never find out, because after that final heartfelt plea, Ban Ki Moon never got back to me. It was over. I’d held $10.5 million dollars in my hands (sort of) but after a long and sometimes bewildering struggle with the Secretary General of the United Nations, I had come away empty handed.
So close.
Words by Gazz Wood (and Ban Ki Moon)
Follow @GazzPH90 