Warm Isn't It?

We're currently in the middle of the biggest heatwave in 5 years. 

It's hotter than Australia out there right now (genuinely. It's 26 degrees in London and 18 in Sydney) and everyone is going on and on and ON about how bloody wonderful the whole thing is. 

Except it's not is it? It's horrendous. The battlecry of the English in summer is not "Let's hit the surf" but the much more familiar "It's too hot now." I'm going through t-shirts faster than Hulk Hogan, and I don't even go anywhere. Getting on the tube is like walking into a greenhouse with 20 other people and then voluntarily sitting there for half an hour. 

Everywhere you look there are fantastically old men wandering around without shirts or shoes, and yet still somehow getting service. Are you 200+ plus pounds and so burned it looks like you just crawled out of Hell itself? Better take almost all of your clothes off, because it's somewhat sunny out!

The prevailing mindset is that we get so little summer here we should grasp every hot minute like grim death. Get down to the beach, with literally every other person who holds a burgundy passport, and sit a little over 2 inches from each other as you all struggle desperately to "enjoy" the summer.

British people sit on the beach like they sit on a bus; all crammed in to the same tight space breathing each other's sweat. 

In order to get any sleep I've had to sacrifice safety for the chance of even a mild breeze by leaving my window open all night. For those who live in the countryside that means running the risk of waking up with a wasp in your room. For me, in London, it means I might never wake up because the men who crept in have murdered me for my fillings and bone marrow and custom Iron Man XBOX 360 pad.

As far as I can tell, the only upside to the hot hot heat is that no one judges you for having more than one Fruit Pastilles ice lolly per day. 

Words by Gazz Wood