The UN has today confirmed that "twerking": in which the offender shakes their hips up and down in a provocative manner, is now classed as a war crime under international law.
The decision was made after the public outcry following Miley Cyrus' MTV performance, now known as "twerkgate", which left many blind and suicidal. In a controversial move, some viewers went as far as to pour acid into their own eyes.
Senator Leopold Smack commented: “I'm not saying it's the right thing to do. I'm just saying I respect people's right to make that decision. Who am I to say that burning out your retinas is less painful than watching Miley Cyrus live?”
More pressingly these new laws have further intensified conflicts in the middle east, as new evidence emerges that troubled nations have been twerking their own citizens. With rumours emerging of a nuclear “flaming twerk” weapon, anxiety is at an all time high. These rumours are so far unconfirmed, with many believing them to be a terrorist hoax.
The public is warned to be on the lookout for Cyrus, who was last seen naked and riding a wrecking ball, as she and a group of extremist “freedom fighters” tore down an emergency medical centre. Miley is considered extremely dangerous and presumed jiggly.
Words by Ben Gibson
